Young Americans Don't Want To Get Married?
FORT LAUDERDALE - She has a master's degree in education and a head full of ambition.
By day, she's a teacher. By night, she writes dramatic movie scripts. She's also developing a nonprofit tutoring organization, so someday she can be her own boss.
Her name is Thais Council, and at 26, she knows exactly where she is going in the next several years - and it isn't down the aisle.
"I don't see myself getting married until, maybe, when I'm over 30," she said, pausing. "Well over 30."
Council and other 20-somethings say the reason for this delay is simple: nowadays, marriage isn't the first step to adulthood, it's one of the last. Finishing school, getting a good job, and achieving financial and emotional independence are now the prerequisites - prerequisites that they say are taking even longer to achieve because of the soaring cost of living, the generation's tendency to cling to their parents and their fears of divorce.
"I do feel pressure from my grandparents; they think I'm getting ancient. But I feel like I need to be more established with my career. I want to feel more self-sufficient," said Ronit Zargar, 27, who has a boyfriend but is in no rush to tie the knot. "I look at marriage as a final thing. There is no divorce."
Many young singles aren't even looking for love. A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that more than one-third of American singles 18 to 29 say they aren't looking for a romantic partner.
Some don't like the dating scene. Many just don't have the time. Council, for example, had to get rid of her pet fox terrier because she was always working. Her mother, who has more old-fashioned values, was disappointed.
"My mom said having a pet dog is good practice for a boyfriend," Council said with a laugh.
In 1970, only 15 percent of Americans 25 to 29 were unmarried. Now nearly half are, according to 2005 census numbers.
Census statistics suggest that young adults living in states where there is a high cost of living and a competitive career market often wait longer to marry. Statistics also show that today's young adults are making less, when adjusted for inflation, than people their age did 30 years ago.
Washington, D.C., has the highest median age for marriage in the nation: 30. Florida has the oldest age of marriage for the South (27 for men, 25 for women), which doesn't surprise Ches Kanno, 30, a Florida bachelor. He says South Florida culture is more about partying and climbing the corporate ladder than settling down.
"In South Florida, you gotta love the women down here, but they're kind of superficial," he said. "The older and more mature I get, the more critical I become. I don't want to make any compromises."
College student Dayana Leon, 23, said the dating process has become murky, with both genders having to figure out whether a partner is relationship material or falls into the category of "friends with benefits."
"Nowadays? Forget about it. Guys are just interested in messing around," she said. "And with all the feminism, you want to be equal with the guys. 'Well, if he can do it, why can't I?' "
Delaying marriage has its benefits, research shows. The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University reports that, while divorce rates hover near 50 percent for all Americans, couples cut that in half by waiting to marry after 25.
Waiting also makes some financial sense. A 2004 study by the RAND Corp., a California-based research nonprofit, showed that women who delayed marriage increased their wages by an extra 4 percent a year for every year they remained single. The reason, the report said, was they were able to switch jobs easily, speeding promotion.
It's not just a matter of money. It's also about maturity.
David Wallace, director of counseling at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, said many of today's 20-somethings are not ready for marriage because they are deeply involved in another relationship - with their parents. His generation, he recalls, rebelled against authority. This generation is best friends with Mom or Dad.
"There is a new electronic umbilical cord, and it's called the cell phone. They are calling their parents eight, 10 times a day," he said.
Some children are particularly close with a parent if they have lived with them through a divorce. Not surprisingly, these young adults are cautious when it comes to their own romances and taking a vow that can lead to heartbreak, said Nick Wolfinger, an associate professor at the University of Utah and author of "Understanding the Divorce Cycle."
The nation's divorce rates hit an all time high in 1981 - about the time many of today's 20-somethings were babies. Overall, Wolfinger said, children of divorce are not only more likely to delay marriage, but they are a third more likely to never marry.
"They view marriage less favorably because they see where it got their parents," he said.
Keisha Witherspoon, 26, said her parent's split had another effect: Until recently, she had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. As a result, it took several years for her to learn "how to treat men, how to talk to men, how to respect them and value them."
"I was very bitter and upset that my dad was never around, and I was taking it out on them," she said.
For those young adults thinking about marriage - and the risk of divorce - an increasingly popular baby-step is living together.
"It's almost like a trial marriage. You see the bad and the good days," said Amy Tomas, 26, whose parents divorced when she was a child.
Until recently, Tomas lived with her longtime boyfriend. She's glad they didn't marry because they ended up splitting over "trust" issues.
Between 1990 and 2004, the number of non-same-sex cohabitating couples almost doubled in the United States, census data show. Compared to 1970 estimates, the practice is up 1,200 percent. About a quarter of all unmarried women 25 to 39 are living with a partner and another quarter have lived with a partner some time in the past, according to a 2005 report by the National Marriage Project.
But there are pitfalls, said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. While most young people assume living together decreases the chance of divorce, Popenoe said that's not the case.
"It's difficult to break up when you've been cohabitating a long time. They slide into marriage," he said. "It's the inertia effect."
Popenoe also warns that young people's overwhelming belief in a "soul mate" can complicate things because real relationships are messy.
"The problem is, you find out that this person isn't so perfect," he said, "so it's easy to break up and say, 'Well, now I have to go look for my real soul mate.' "
And there lies the great dilemma for young adults: so many choices.
On one hand, today's 20-somethings see having more time to establish themselves and find the right mate as a positive thing that will make them stronger individuals and stronger marriage partners in the long run. On the other, in the absence of set rules on when to marry, and fluctuating norms on relationships, some admit confusion while trying to navigate this period of their lives.
Some young adults have responded to this anything-goes culture by reverting to more traditional values. Joshua Kolkana is only 25, but has already been married for three years. He and his wife are both Christians who waited to have sex until they were married.
"There is a peace that comes from knowing, 'Yes, this is what the Lord intends for us,' " said Kolkana, a high school pastor. "Our society's whole mentality has become that we are our own gods, so 'I'm going to do whatever brings me the greatest pleasure.' For us, it was more an act of obedience than, 'Is this the wisest thing?' "
Council, the 25-year-old teacher who is busy building her career, stresses that she would love to get married some day. But for now, she's happy to just date and is convinced she and her generation will benefit from the extra time to find Mr. or Miss Right.
"My grandmother was unhappy in her marriage but she stayed for the family. My mother had problems and she divorced. Today, it's not only about who you love or who can support you," she said. "It's both."
Forbidden Relatives: THE AMERICAN MYTH OF COUSIN MARRIAGE
By day, she's a teacher. By night, she writes dramatic movie scripts. She's also developing a nonprofit tutoring organization, so someday she can be her own boss.
Her name is Thais Council, and at 26, she knows exactly where she is going in the next several years - and it isn't down the aisle.
"I don't see myself getting married until, maybe, when I'm over 30," she said, pausing. "Well over 30."
Council and other 20-somethings say the reason for this delay is simple: nowadays, marriage isn't the first step to adulthood, it's one of the last. Finishing school, getting a good job, and achieving financial and emotional independence are now the prerequisites - prerequisites that they say are taking even longer to achieve because of the soaring cost of living, the generation's tendency to cling to their parents and their fears of divorce.
"I do feel pressure from my grandparents; they think I'm getting ancient. But I feel like I need to be more established with my career. I want to feel more self-sufficient," said Ronit Zargar, 27, who has a boyfriend but is in no rush to tie the knot. "I look at marriage as a final thing. There is no divorce."
Many young singles aren't even looking for love. A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that more than one-third of American singles 18 to 29 say they aren't looking for a romantic partner.
Some don't like the dating scene. Many just don't have the time. Council, for example, had to get rid of her pet fox terrier because she was always working. Her mother, who has more old-fashioned values, was disappointed.
"My mom said having a pet dog is good practice for a boyfriend," Council said with a laugh.
In 1970, only 15 percent of Americans 25 to 29 were unmarried. Now nearly half are, according to 2005 census numbers.
Census statistics suggest that young adults living in states where there is a high cost of living and a competitive career market often wait longer to marry. Statistics also show that today's young adults are making less, when adjusted for inflation, than people their age did 30 years ago.
Washington, D.C., has the highest median age for marriage in the nation: 30. Florida has the oldest age of marriage for the South (27 for men, 25 for women), which doesn't surprise Ches Kanno, 30, a Florida bachelor. He says South Florida culture is more about partying and climbing the corporate ladder than settling down.
"In South Florida, you gotta love the women down here, but they're kind of superficial," he said. "The older and more mature I get, the more critical I become. I don't want to make any compromises."
College student Dayana Leon, 23, said the dating process has become murky, with both genders having to figure out whether a partner is relationship material or falls into the category of "friends with benefits."
"Nowadays? Forget about it. Guys are just interested in messing around," she said. "And with all the feminism, you want to be equal with the guys. 'Well, if he can do it, why can't I?' "
Delaying marriage has its benefits, research shows. The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University reports that, while divorce rates hover near 50 percent for all Americans, couples cut that in half by waiting to marry after 25.
Waiting also makes some financial sense. A 2004 study by the RAND Corp., a California-based research nonprofit, showed that women who delayed marriage increased their wages by an extra 4 percent a year for every year they remained single. The reason, the report said, was they were able to switch jobs easily, speeding promotion.
It's not just a matter of money. It's also about maturity.
David Wallace, director of counseling at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, said many of today's 20-somethings are not ready for marriage because they are deeply involved in another relationship - with their parents. His generation, he recalls, rebelled against authority. This generation is best friends with Mom or Dad.
"There is a new electronic umbilical cord, and it's called the cell phone. They are calling their parents eight, 10 times a day," he said.
Some children are particularly close with a parent if they have lived with them through a divorce. Not surprisingly, these young adults are cautious when it comes to their own romances and taking a vow that can lead to heartbreak, said Nick Wolfinger, an associate professor at the University of Utah and author of "Understanding the Divorce Cycle."
The nation's divorce rates hit an all time high in 1981 - about the time many of today's 20-somethings were babies. Overall, Wolfinger said, children of divorce are not only more likely to delay marriage, but they are a third more likely to never marry.
"They view marriage less favorably because they see where it got their parents," he said.
Keisha Witherspoon, 26, said her parent's split had another effect: Until recently, she had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. As a result, it took several years for her to learn "how to treat men, how to talk to men, how to respect them and value them."
"I was very bitter and upset that my dad was never around, and I was taking it out on them," she said.
For those young adults thinking about marriage - and the risk of divorce - an increasingly popular baby-step is living together.
"It's almost like a trial marriage. You see the bad and the good days," said Amy Tomas, 26, whose parents divorced when she was a child.
Until recently, Tomas lived with her longtime boyfriend. She's glad they didn't marry because they ended up splitting over "trust" issues.
Between 1990 and 2004, the number of non-same-sex cohabitating couples almost doubled in the United States, census data show. Compared to 1970 estimates, the practice is up 1,200 percent. About a quarter of all unmarried women 25 to 39 are living with a partner and another quarter have lived with a partner some time in the past, according to a 2005 report by the National Marriage Project.
But there are pitfalls, said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. While most young people assume living together decreases the chance of divorce, Popenoe said that's not the case.
"It's difficult to break up when you've been cohabitating a long time. They slide into marriage," he said. "It's the inertia effect."
Popenoe also warns that young people's overwhelming belief in a "soul mate" can complicate things because real relationships are messy.
"The problem is, you find out that this person isn't so perfect," he said, "so it's easy to break up and say, 'Well, now I have to go look for my real soul mate.' "
And there lies the great dilemma for young adults: so many choices.
On one hand, today's 20-somethings see having more time to establish themselves and find the right mate as a positive thing that will make them stronger individuals and stronger marriage partners in the long run. On the other, in the absence of set rules on when to marry, and fluctuating norms on relationships, some admit confusion while trying to navigate this period of their lives.
Some young adults have responded to this anything-goes culture by reverting to more traditional values. Joshua Kolkana is only 25, but has already been married for three years. He and his wife are both Christians who waited to have sex until they were married.
"There is a peace that comes from knowing, 'Yes, this is what the Lord intends for us,' " said Kolkana, a high school pastor. "Our society's whole mentality has become that we are our own gods, so 'I'm going to do whatever brings me the greatest pleasure.' For us, it was more an act of obedience than, 'Is this the wisest thing?' "
Council, the 25-year-old teacher who is busy building her career, stresses that she would love to get married some day. But for now, she's happy to just date and is convinced she and her generation will benefit from the extra time to find Mr. or Miss Right.
"My grandmother was unhappy in her marriage but she stayed for the family. My mother had problems and she divorced. Today, it's not only about who you love or who can support you," she said. "It's both."
Forbidden Relatives: THE AMERICAN MYTH OF COUSIN MARRIAGE
posted by UncommonBusiness at 1:20 AM
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